Into the Night

I am a lost creature of the night. This belief reaffirms itself in the spring once it gets warm outside. I like the night. The sun seems to hurt me oddly. My migraines are worst when the sunlight shines. The warmth and the sunlight make me want to throw up. I've had a migraine for the last three days and the daylight is simply evil.

In my head I would like to believe that vampires are real. I would like to believe that I should be one. The night is just a totally different concept that the day. I'm more comfortable in darkness, it feels more like home. It could be one of the many reasons why teaching is stressing me out so badly, all that daytime. Somehow I don't think that's the answer, but I rather wish it was. I can't manage it all, that's what's killing me currently.

Teaching and being a student was never part of the plan. I've always secretly wanted to be given a position when someone went on maternity leave, but now I know I'm not meant for that. This temporary PSD class is just an odd form of murder. I can't keep up with everything, its draining. I keep getting sick and I forgot what it is like to be my normal self.

I DJ now, like right now and I'm so fucking tired. Too tired to talk on air much and I know I sound like shit, but there is nothing I can do about it. I miss being excited for shows and other things, but right now there is literally nothing. There is the void in which I only sleep, or so it seems. Sleep, eat, teach, read some homework, sleep, eat, repeat. That has sadly become my life.

If I go out, its with Steve. Steve makes me feel ok and basically does everything for me. Its sad that I feel so dependent on people after I'm done with work. At work I do so much that I have no more to give. There is nothing to me anymore beyond this classroom. That is not how I want to define myself. I've lost definition, I am nothing.

I want myself back. The girl who bounces at music, goes to shows and doesn't give a shit. The girl who believes in vampires and reads too much bad vampire fiction. I want me into the night...