Putting My Anxiety Into Words

So my mother went to Cape Cod for the week. Most children would be ecstatic to be home all alone without parents. I'm sadly not that case...

When I was diagnosed with all my various issues, one that struck out at me was adjustment anxiety. This diagnosis came as I had just moved out to start college. Moving to college is a huge adjustment period for most people. Most people also make new friends and are perfectly fine with staying in a small room with no where else to go but that small room which is shared with a perfect stranger. I, on the other hand, had a huge problem with this. I was paired with a blond barbie doll and sharing a bathroom with an entire floor of girls. In short, it was a nightmare all on its own. At this point I had no driver's license and couldn't even go anywhere beyond the four small walls that I shared with the barbie. While my psychologist had said I was fine to go away to school, it was a lie. I was not fine as the two trips to the hospital for panic attacks in 5 days clearly showed me. I gave in and went home.

Seven years later, I realize that I could have moved out at some point. At times I even would love to move out. But in moving out, I would have a roommate, someone I would know and trust. That would make the transition more comfortable for me. I could adjust to such a situation without any discomfort.

It is not that I don't like alone time because I do. Everyone loves alone time for a certain length of time. My best alone time is in my car or when I have a day off that my mother does not. I could deal with half of my day being strictly alone time, but when I go to sleep at night I need someone else in my vicinity.

In the last week, I have moved my room upstairs. For five years, the plan has been to move upstairs to the 2nd and 3rd floors of the house. I took the initiative and moved upstairs since my room was ready. I was even promised an air conditioner for my room to alleviate the heat. It was all the perfect setting to move upstairs, so I did.

This move proved to be a bigger adjustment that I had anticipated. For starters, if I want to pee, I have to go downstairs. In the middle of the night, I am liable to be locked out of my house so I always need my keys in my room upstairs. I'm not even a member of the household anymore. I have no cats, no people, no bathroom, nothing on my floor of the house. I am as good as alone. There are no familiar sounds to wake me up in the morning. There is only silence. If I want to get dressed, the bathroom and my closet are downstairs, my hair brush, deodorant and what not is upstairs. Getting ready is now a two floored process. My parents also love to constantly remind me how there is nothing between me and the outside world if someone should care to rob the house. There is the outside door and that's it. Instead of the two doors required to break through if I was on the 1st floor, there is only one door and then the 2nd floor is all open. It make me feel highly unsafe. This is all a lot to take in for the moment.

Now let's add the icing to the cake. My mom, the only person I basically interact with all week since my dad works such long hours is gone. There will be no one when I wake up in the morning. There will be no one when I go to bed at no one. No one will be making me dinner or lunch or be there to talk to. Not even the comfort of just knowing someone is around is in my mind. I am, for the first time in my life, just simply alone.

I know at 24 I need to get used to being alone, but I just can't. I never have been able to. I'm a needy person. I crave human contact. I don't know how to even begin to change this. My only thought is who could I possibly ask to keep me company this week. The only answer is no one. Everyone I basically thought of as a close college friend is now all over the East Coast. Jill is in Philly, Chris in Rhode Island, James in PA, Maria in NYC, Matt in CT. I am broke (which is another blog in and of itself) and just alone. It sucks...wish I took my meds more regularly for me not to be in such a dire mindset. Unfortunately, I'm too stupid/lazy/stubborn/forgetful to take them.