The Meaning of Lyrics

There are several things that will always take me out of my dark hole.

I find a weird peace in finding song lyrics that absolutely match my feelings for the moment. I will spend 20 minutes going through lyrics from various bands until I find the right words. I cannot express myself as well as I would like myself, but it is comforting to know that there are words for what I feel.

I have been listening to a lot of As I Lay Dying, Lamb of God, Demon Hunter and Devildriver lately. None match up with my mood right now.

I do an odd association with almost everything and anything in my head. My favorite bands are all my favorite bands for a specific reason. Opeth makes me think of ballet, that is my association. Slipknot is often the soundtrack lyrically to my life, so is Life of Agony. Within Temptation is also ballet inspiring and also epic, part of a fantasy I will never belong to. Children of Bodom stems from a love of Alexi and Henkka, but beyond the fandom also goes into lyrics. Above all other bands, even Slipknot and Life of Agony, Bodom matches my dark moods best.

This is my feeling right now:
I hear the footsteps crawling by,
Watching myself slowly die.
Sharp pain is impaling through my heart,
Slowly tearing me apart.

One minute you're an angel fallen from grace,
Next, the fix that I hate.
Pick me up from the gutter with a gentle kiss,
Then rips out my heart to show me how black it is!

Either you get it, or you don't. Chances are you don't, but that doesn't matter. I understand what I feel and that's how I express it. Song lyrics are the underlying footnotes to my life. Without them, I'm just alone.

2010

The revolution is coming, it has to. There are certain things that need changing. I have many habits that need to be broken. It is going to be a bitch reteaching myself, but I think in the end it will be worth it.

I have no time management skills whatsoever. Whether this is due to ADHD or some other factor of mine, I have no idea. Regardless, it needs to change. If I only did a little bit of work each week, life would be a lot easier. I wouldn't crumble so often.

I often vow change. I just wish I had someone who could stick it to me, someone other than my therapist. Someone I interacted with frequently to call me out on my shit. Like with most things in life, I cannot do things alone. I'm terribly co-dependent. I feel once I reroute my time management skills, I can start to work on the co-dependency. Lofty ambitions, but I'll try nonetheless.

Emotional Waste

Someone once told me that they didn’t enter into relationships because they didn’t want to use up emotional energy on someone that was not worth it.  At the time, I couldn’t understand it.  Now I understand all too perfectly.  I’ve put some much energy into matters that didn’t deserve the time of day.  I seem to do this frequently.

I pick men that are below me.  Somewhere I think I can save them, change them into better beings.  I can’t.  The only thing that ends up being changed is me.  I’m no longer my bubbly self, but this worried and upset self.  I’m slowly being drained of all the energy I possess.  They don’t change.  They don’t know how to become better people.  Instead they just wallow in their normal routines, doing thing and hanging with people I cannot stand. Their ambitions don’t improve.  It is a waste.

I cannot date someone below me.  No matter how much a boy can enchant me, if they don’t meet my standards then I cannot date them.  I’m tired of dating boys who don’t meet my standards.

From now on it is quite simple.  I am 24.  I want a future.  I want to move out.  I want a family, a job, a house.  I want these things.  I should not settle for someone younger who is not mature enough to handle these things.  I’m tired of boys who think they are men.  I know what I want and I’m not settling for anything less.

For now, I learn to be by myself.  That is the only thing I can do.

Putting My Anxiety Into Words

So my mother went to Cape Cod for the week. Most children would be ecstatic to be home all alone without parents. I'm sadly not that case...

When I was diagnosed with all my various issues, one that struck out at me was adjustment anxiety. This diagnosis came as I had just moved out to start college. Moving to college is a huge adjustment period for most people. Most people also make new friends and are perfectly fine with staying in a small room with no where else to go but that small room which is shared with a perfect stranger. I, on the other hand, had a huge problem with this. I was paired with a blond barbie doll and sharing a bathroom with an entire floor of girls. In short, it was a nightmare all on its own. At this point I had no driver's license and couldn't even go anywhere beyond the four small walls that I shared with the barbie. While my psychologist had said I was fine to go away to school, it was a lie. I was not fine as the two trips to the hospital for panic attacks in 5 days clearly showed me. I gave in and went home.

Seven years later, I realize that I could have moved out at some point. At times I even would love to move out. But in moving out, I would have a roommate, someone I would know and trust. That would make the transition more comfortable for me. I could adjust to such a situation without any discomfort.

It is not that I don't like alone time because I do. Everyone loves alone time for a certain length of time. My best alone time is in my car or when I have a day off that my mother does not. I could deal with half of my day being strictly alone time, but when I go to sleep at night I need someone else in my vicinity.

In the last week, I have moved my room upstairs. For five years, the plan has been to move upstairs to the 2nd and 3rd floors of the house. I took the initiative and moved upstairs since my room was ready. I was even promised an air conditioner for my room to alleviate the heat. It was all the perfect setting to move upstairs, so I did.

This move proved to be a bigger adjustment that I had anticipated. For starters, if I want to pee, I have to go downstairs. In the middle of the night, I am liable to be locked out of my house so I always need my keys in my room upstairs. I'm not even a member of the household anymore. I have no cats, no people, no bathroom, nothing on my floor of the house. I am as good as alone. There are no familiar sounds to wake me up in the morning. There is only silence. If I want to get dressed, the bathroom and my closet are downstairs, my hair brush, deodorant and what not is upstairs. Getting ready is now a two floored process. My parents also love to constantly remind me how there is nothing between me and the outside world if someone should care to rob the house. There is the outside door and that's it. Instead of the two doors required to break through if I was on the 1st floor, there is only one door and then the 2nd floor is all open. It make me feel highly unsafe. This is all a lot to take in for the moment.

Now let's add the icing to the cake. My mom, the only person I basically interact with all week since my dad works such long hours is gone. There will be no one when I wake up in the morning. There will be no one when I go to bed at no one. No one will be making me dinner or lunch or be there to talk to. Not even the comfort of just knowing someone is around is in my mind. I am, for the first time in my life, just simply alone.

I know at 24 I need to get used to being alone, but I just can't. I never have been able to. I'm a needy person. I crave human contact. I don't know how to even begin to change this. My only thought is who could I possibly ask to keep me company this week. The only answer is no one. Everyone I basically thought of as a close college friend is now all over the East Coast. Jill is in Philly, Chris in Rhode Island, James in PA, Maria in NYC, Matt in CT. I am broke (which is another blog in and of itself) and just alone. It sucks...wish I took my meds more regularly for me not to be in such a dire mindset. Unfortunately, I'm too stupid/lazy/stubborn/forgetful to take them.

Why I don't like birthdays

When you are little, the fairytales seem to come true on your birthday. All your wishes come true right before your very eyes. Everything you wanted, you now have it. Of course, when you are little, the most you want is some new toys and attention. As the birthday child, you are the center of attention as everything is about you.

As you grow older, the magic of your youth birthdays are gone. The expectations are different now and to me, they are never met even though I don't think I know what I am expecting.

What am I expecting...I still don't know. Perhaps I am just waiting to change, change into someone more responsible. If I am waiting for that, I might be waiting forever. Perhaps I am just waiting for my life to start.

I feel stuck, stuck in so many ways. Stuck with my parents, stuck in school, stuck doing things that make me unhappy, stuck in my house, stuck forever in the wrong place...I want to unstuck. Well, unlike my former marlin, I can't just remove my foot from where I placed it to unstuck. Quite simply I am, Oh no, Oh dear, I'm stuck! Help!

In a small tangent, thinking about my marlin and the rest of them just really hurt. Perhaps I miss my dysfunctional room more than I thought I would. I miss my school mommies and my kids, they were as much a part of me as I am of them. Unfortunately this relationship is lopsided since they probably don't remember me by now. I'll remember them for the rest of my life.

I am 24. I am stuck. Certain items listed above will unstuck with time, others will not for a while. I'm not necessarily unhappy with my life, just unhappy with my birthday. It is just a reminder than I have to wait. My students couldn't wait and perhaps I can't either. My patience was used up with them, now I just want to move leaps and bounds forward forgetting that I am attached to the floor.

Happy

In a month, I have managed to change my life completely around. I have made new friends and new beginnings. I'm ready for the next phase of my life. I'm done with the dark. It is time for a new Allie, a better Allie. I mean it this time.

Old but Still Me

I found a piece of writing in my attic. Probably written in a moment of desparation some five or six years ago. I kinda like it, so I figured I would stick it here where it wouldn't crumble.

Lost and not found...Sure I am on meds that help me be happy, but I'm still lost. I am nowhere nearer to my dreams than when I conceived them. I have all these ideas that I wish to carry out, but probably will never get to. It makes me wish that there was another version of me. As if I had a double or dissociative disorder, another personality that I could have. A stronger one, a personality that would cut all this shit and accomplish what I need to do. Right now I choose to live in my imagination.

I dream of castles and pretty things...of a time long ago. It reminds me of something I heard in a conversation with my lovely Magnet kids, probably Alex, Blair or Derek. We were born during the wrong period to which I fully agree. My head is filled with romantic views of castles, long velvet dresses and chivalry. It lives only in my imagination because, as we can see in the present, chivalry is dead. I might have managed to capture one of the best guys out there, but he knows nothing of chivalry. He does not "court" me by impressions. I must be too good for that now. It makes me ponder as to whether or not I have made a mistake in my choice. Then again, who knows? Only time will tell as to what is right.
Back into my imaginative realm...
I should write my own books about these ideas that flow into my head, but I doubt that words will do these ideas any justice. How sad that I have no the talent to write, paint or compose a film to capture the beauty that flows through my head. Many things in my life will never transpire to word.

Most of this is true even still today. I see the beginnings of some interesting points, but like I wrote, it will probably never transpire to word.

Everyone Knows Someone

So more Children of Bodom this weekend. Usually this enough for a whole workings of a post, but it wasn't this weekend. Yes, talking with Henkka was golden, it always is. The guy is super sweet. He is probably the only person I will ever talk to about soccer EVER. Cindy touched Henkka's fly which was pure hilarity, but even bringing them a cake and going backstage the next night was nothing compared to the weekend in total.

I found myself. Granted I found myself and then proceeded to crumble into a thousand shards, I found myself at the bottom. Where have I been hiding all this time? I crawl into these bubbles, my therapist and I nicknamed them apathy bubbles. I just settle. I don't strive, I just sink to where I think its ok for me to be. It is very much not ok. Though I love Dark Tranquillity's song Lost to Apathy, it is not a way to live.

I LOVE music. It is a huge part of my being. I love going to shows. I like meeting people and being social. I am a social being. Just talking to music industry people all weekend was fascinating. I met two people that made impacts, though one knows it and not the other. I forgot the joy of talking to new people, to be that brave. It takes a lot for me to talk to strangers, but I'm so glad I did.

As much as I failed in some aspects this weekend with getting work done and what not, I accomplished so much more. For months I felt lost, but I'm here. Covered in mess, but I'm alive. Thank you for the people I went with and to whomever controls fate or destiny, thank you for everything else. Now I'm going to stop being cryptic and finally sleep.

Across the Universe

I love this movie. I love everything about it. It is just so special. It is everything I wish I could have made in a movie. It is artsy, takes a few views to get a hold of, but it is simply beautiful.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night...

These are but the melodies that haunt my dreams. My artistic vision is slowly seeping back, too slowly for my liking. Even then, it is still much more than a month ago. By the beginning of May I should feel better, more like myself, less like an impostor.

I want to write what I feel, not what people think I should write, but I have no choice about it. For now I'm a cog in the machine. Hah, if my professors only realized how much I understood about what they teach. I get criticism, I just don't care for it. I'm creative, not studious.

I vow to write. I need to write for myself. It is one of the simple pleasures of my life. I need to do what I love in order to feel like myself, it is the only way I will survive.

Into the Night

I am a lost creature of the night. This belief reaffirms itself in the spring once it gets warm outside. I like the night. The sun seems to hurt me oddly. My migraines are worst when the sunlight shines. The warmth and the sunlight make me want to throw up. I've had a migraine for the last three days and the daylight is simply evil.

In my head I would like to believe that vampires are real. I would like to believe that I should be one. The night is just a totally different concept that the day. I'm more comfortable in darkness, it feels more like home. It could be one of the many reasons why teaching is stressing me out so badly, all that daytime. Somehow I don't think that's the answer, but I rather wish it was. I can't manage it all, that's what's killing me currently.

Teaching and being a student was never part of the plan. I've always secretly wanted to be given a position when someone went on maternity leave, but now I know I'm not meant for that. This temporary PSD class is just an odd form of murder. I can't keep up with everything, its draining. I keep getting sick and I forgot what it is like to be my normal self.

I DJ now, like right now and I'm so fucking tired. Too tired to talk on air much and I know I sound like shit, but there is nothing I can do about it. I miss being excited for shows and other things, but right now there is literally nothing. There is the void in which I only sleep, or so it seems. Sleep, eat, teach, read some homework, sleep, eat, repeat. That has sadly become my life.

If I go out, its with Steve. Steve makes me feel ok and basically does everything for me. Its sad that I feel so dependent on people after I'm done with work. At work I do so much that I have no more to give. There is nothing to me anymore beyond this classroom. That is not how I want to define myself. I've lost definition, I am nothing.

I want myself back. The girl who bounces at music, goes to shows and doesn't give a shit. The girl who believes in vampires and reads too much bad vampire fiction. I want me into the night...