Emotional Waste

Someone once told me that they didn’t enter into relationships because they didn’t want to use up emotional energy on someone that was not worth it.  At the time, I couldn’t understand it.  Now I understand all too perfectly.  I’ve put some much energy into matters that didn’t deserve the time of day.  I seem to do this frequently.

I pick men that are below me.  Somewhere I think I can save them, change them into better beings.  I can’t.  The only thing that ends up being changed is me.  I’m no longer my bubbly self, but this worried and upset self.  I’m slowly being drained of all the energy I possess.  They don’t change.  They don’t know how to become better people.  Instead they just wallow in their normal routines, doing thing and hanging with people I cannot stand. Their ambitions don’t improve.  It is a waste.

I cannot date someone below me.  No matter how much a boy can enchant me, if they don’t meet my standards then I cannot date them.  I’m tired of dating boys who don’t meet my standards.

From now on it is quite simple.  I am 24.  I want a future.  I want to move out.  I want a family, a job, a house.  I want these things.  I should not settle for someone younger who is not mature enough to handle these things.  I’m tired of boys who think they are men.  I know what I want and I’m not settling for anything less.

For now, I learn to be by myself.  That is the only thing I can do.