The Meaning of Lyrics

There are several things that will always take me out of my dark hole.

I find a weird peace in finding song lyrics that absolutely match my feelings for the moment. I will spend 20 minutes going through lyrics from various bands until I find the right words. I cannot express myself as well as I would like myself, but it is comforting to know that there are words for what I feel.

I have been listening to a lot of As I Lay Dying, Lamb of God, Demon Hunter and Devildriver lately. None match up with my mood right now.

I do an odd association with almost everything and anything in my head. My favorite bands are all my favorite bands for a specific reason. Opeth makes me think of ballet, that is my association. Slipknot is often the soundtrack lyrically to my life, so is Life of Agony. Within Temptation is also ballet inspiring and also epic, part of a fantasy I will never belong to. Children of Bodom stems from a love of Alexi and Henkka, but beyond the fandom also goes into lyrics. Above all other bands, even Slipknot and Life of Agony, Bodom matches my dark moods best.

This is my feeling right now:
I hear the footsteps crawling by,
Watching myself slowly die.
Sharp pain is impaling through my heart,
Slowly tearing me apart.

One minute you're an angel fallen from grace,
Next, the fix that I hate.
Pick me up from the gutter with a gentle kiss,
Then rips out my heart to show me how black it is!

Either you get it, or you don't. Chances are you don't, but that doesn't matter. I understand what I feel and that's how I express it. Song lyrics are the underlying footnotes to my life. Without them, I'm just alone.

2010

The revolution is coming, it has to. There are certain things that need changing. I have many habits that need to be broken. It is going to be a bitch reteaching myself, but I think in the end it will be worth it.

I have no time management skills whatsoever. Whether this is due to ADHD or some other factor of mine, I have no idea. Regardless, it needs to change. If I only did a little bit of work each week, life would be a lot easier. I wouldn't crumble so often.

I often vow change. I just wish I had someone who could stick it to me, someone other than my therapist. Someone I interacted with frequently to call me out on my shit. Like with most things in life, I cannot do things alone. I'm terribly co-dependent. I feel once I reroute my time management skills, I can start to work on the co-dependency. Lofty ambitions, but I'll try nonetheless.